Out of the Box Read online

  ‘it’ll do you just great when I’m gone.’

  Just to redress the balance…

  Indecision

  Mary, Mary, quite contrary

  Why must you change your mind?

  It’s not my fault

  If the dress you bought

  Makes you look like you’re all behind.

  Weird…but strangely true.

  Déjà vu

  History repeats itself. It seems this may be true.

  How often have we first arrived, yet recognised the view?

  You know what someone’s saying next, you’ve heard it all before

  You know when someone’s coming home, the pets are at the door.

  D’you ever find it’s on your mind to ring a distant friend

  And as you pick it up to dial, they’re on the other end?

  D’you ever start to sing a song (not bothering to think)

  And when you turn the radio on, you’re perfectly in sync?

  Don’t show me what life has in store, so I can take a peek

  Don’t say you’ve read this rhyme before, I’m writing it next week

  I’m pretty sure we’ll meet once more (I hope this reassures)

  You’ll recognise the name of course. Oh, sorry, is it yours?

  One thing that I would mention, friend, as yet again I pack

  Should I return to pastures new and meet you coming back

  And should I see a stranger’s face that gives me cause to worry

  The day that stranger’s face is mine, I’m leaving in a hurry!

  Ah…promises, promises…

  Spring Fever

  So Election Time is here

  Smiling faces so sincere

  With a manifesto promise from the heart

  If you dare to close your eyes

  Or the candidates swop ties

  Could you still be sure of telling them apart?

  Don’t you just wish you’d kept those 70’s clothes…

  Full Circle

  ‘Where on earth did you get it?’ my granddaughter squealed,

  ‘I’ve been looking for something like this!

  The shoulders are heaven, the newest thing out!

  Can I borrow it, Nan? It’s just bliss.’

  ‘The colour’s to die for, and look at the line

  And a peplum? Nan, they’re all the rage.’

  What comes around, goes around, sweetheart,’ I said,

  ‘I bought it when I was your age.’

  Retirement. Dictionary definition: the act of retiring from one’s work. So why do I feel so guilty?

  A Cog in a Wheel

  If I want, I can lie in bed today

  And do nothing from nine till five

  If I want, all I really need to do

  Is check if I’m still alive.

  I’m retired, you see, since yesterday

  No longer a cog in a wheel

  I’m retired, and if I feel that way

  I don’t have to do a great deal.

  Not that I’ll lounge; I’ll keep busy of course

  There’ll be none of this sitting around

  I’ll now have the time to catch up on some things

  And do all the jobs that I’ve found.

  A month’s gone by and I’m ready to go

  I’m into a routine at last

  I’ve allowed myself a bit of a break

  As I worked all those hours in the past.

  My goodness, I’ve floated through several months

  I’m free now, and having such fun

  Is it Wednesday today? You’re sure it’s May?

  The days have all merged into one.

  Ok, sorted it now. I find time for both

  And my conscience can go take a hike

  I keep myself fit, and work just a bit

  And do everything else when I like.

  You think parents would know, wouldn’t you?

  Oh no…don’t spoil it for them…

  The Magic of Christmas

  I’ve written a letter to Santa

  Though I feel a bit daft now I’m eight

  Mum’s sorted a carrot for Rudolph

  Dad’s put two mince pies on a plate.

  They say he won’t come till we’re sleeping

  You’d think at their age they would know

  There’s no point in lying there, peeping

  For someone who’s not going to show.

  Still, Nan says it keeps Mum and Dad happy

  So I’m doing my best to pretend

  It’s OK by me if it fills them with glee

  If I get lots of gifts at the end.

  You can’t trust anyone these days…

  Strife on the Ocean Wave

  (with apologies to Edward Lear)

  The Owl took the Pussycat out to sea

  Against his best friend’s advice

  ‘You’re such a delectable thing,’ said he

  ‘Perhaps a sail in my boat would be nice.’

  The Owl looked up at the moon above

  And thought about something to eat

  ‘I’m afraid I’ve forgotten the hamper,’ he said,

  ‘and I’d packed some nice mice as a treat.’

  ‘Not a problem,’ she purred, ‘you’re quite a plump bird.’

  And she seized the old Owl by the throat

  A short battle ensued, then the Owl ate his food

  In his beautiful pea-green boat.

  What? There are some big owls out there…

  Odds and Ends

  These are worth a groan or two. I guess after all these poems, my brain’s a bit scrambled…

  Eggs-actly

  Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

  Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

  T’was easy to see the reason why

  He’d bought the wall from MFI.

  Or what about…

  Grate Expectations

  Little Polly Flinders

  Sat among the cinders

  Spoiling her nice new dress

  ‘Oh, what the hell,’ she thought

  ‘Replacements can be bought

  Now I’ve borrowed Dad’s American Express.’

  Or maybe this…

  Nutcase

  I had a little nut tree

  Nothing would it bear

  But a silver nutmeg

  And a golden pear

  I took them to the kitchen

  And gently broke the news

  ‘Forget the walnut cake, love,

  we’re going on a cruise!’

  Perhaps…

  Cowboy Builder

  Little Jack Horner

  Sat in a corner

  Wrapped in a cosy quilt

  P’raps he should ring his mate

  And get a firm date

  For the rest of the house to be built?

  And, of course, there’s always…

  Two little dicky-birds sitting on a wall

  One named Peter, one named Paul

  They found the singing rather scary

  Until they met their sister, Mary.

  And finally…

  Silence is Golden

  Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, Bakers man

  Give me four of those biscuits as fast as you can

  I’ve two screaming toddlers

  Two more under five

  And keeping them busy will help me survive

  Though I may still break down

  Before I leave town

  At least it will give me some peace while I drive.

  I heard you singing…

  Kids Corner

  Better out than in…

  Bottom-Burps

  Mum says I mustn’t bottom-burp

  So I’m trying to hold it in

  Coz Great Aunt Emma’s coming round

  And she doesn’t like a din.

  I bottom-burped at school today

  And Miss began to shout,

  ‘If that’s you, Tommy Muggins,

&n
bsp; I think you’d best go out.’

  Of course, I look real cool at break

  With all the other boys

  We all try bottom-burping

  To see who can make most noise.

  I bottom-burped at Nan’s once

  And she said, ‘That’s not quite nice.’

  But then I was in the garden

  And Grandad did it twice!

  My Mum does bottom-burping, too

  Though she hides it with a cough

  And Baby Amy does it lots

  But she never gets told off.

  But Dad’s my superhero

  He can bottom-burp a song

  And Mum and Nan have to leave the room

  Coz they just can’t stand the pong.

  Expect you know someone like this, don’t you. Tell you what, let’s keep it our little secret, shall we?

  My Grandma Has a Funny Neck

  My Grandma has a funny neck

  It’s droopy, with a line

  I’ve looked at it when I’m on her lap

  And it’s not the same as mine.

  Mum says I mustn’t mention it

  But whenever I get a hug

  It dangles in my face a bit

  So I give it a little tug.

  My other Gran’s chin has a hair on it

  I think she ought to know

  But Mum says I mustn’t tell her

  So I sit and watch it grow.

  My Grandad’s tummy wobbles

  Mum says I mustn’t look

  But I try to have a bounce on it

  Whenever we read a book.

  Eww…if you are asked to tea with the Queen of Hearts, don’t eat the jam tarts.

  The Queen of Hearts

  The Queen of Hearts

  She made some tarts

  Her first attempt at cooking.

  Said the knave, ‘Don’t eat those, she’s been picking her nose.’

  Said the Queen, ‘What a shame you were looking.’

  Honestly, Bo Peep, are you surprised? We all know it’s much more fun than sitting in a wet field.

  Can you guess what game it was playing? Love to hear your answers.

  Little Bo Peep

  Little Bo Peep

  Did a count of her sheep

  And discovered she had one less.

  She found it much later

  By a hot radiator

  Playing her new DS.

  Who knows...

  I think my Dad is Spiderman

  I think my Dad is Spiderman

  Coz his shirt and socks are red

  And he keeps some blue check trousers

  In a box beneath the bed.

  He probably jams the door with a spider web

  In case Mum locks him out

  Then he waits until we’re all asleep

  And he climbs and swings about.

  I’m not going to tell if I see him

  While he’s out fighting baddies n’that

  I saw something zoom by, like a streak in the sky

  And Mum says it’s only a bat...

  But I know my Dad’s Spiderman.

  Come on, Acorn United!

  Goal!

  There’s a squirrel at the bottom of my garden

  And he’s starting up a football team

  I’ve seen him make two piles of twigs for goalposts

  And he’s left a little goal between.

  I’ve seen four other squirrels rushing round it

  So it’s probably only five-a-side

  And I think they’ve asked our cat to be the referee

  To make sure nothing’s taken wide.

  They’ll need some football boots to play it properly

  And some tiny little shirts that fit

  My sister’s really good at doing loom bands

  So I’ll ask if she can make their kit.

  I’m not sure who they’re playing here tomorrow

  But the hedgehogs look the team to beat

  And as the pitch is right beneath my window

  I’m going to have a brilliant seat!

  G-O-A-L!!

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